Keywords

Introduction

Marriage and health are found to be closely related (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001; Robles et al., 2014; Whisman & Baucom, 2011). Being married is associated with better health (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001). Marriage seems to be an advantage to the mental health of married people (Fincham, 2003). However, the health impact of marriage is affected by marital quality (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001). Marital conflict (Fincham, 2009; Mukashema & Sapsford, 2013) or marital disaccord (Burnet, 2011), marital disagreements, problems, and instability (Johnson et al., 1986), marital happiness and interaction (Johnson et al., 1986) are among the multiple dimensions of marital quality. The dimensions of marital quality vary and can be distinguished into intrapersonal and interpersonal dimensions (Nurhayati et al., 2019).

Conflict is obvious in marital relations (Argyle & Furnham 1983; Goeke-Morey et al., 2003; McCoy et al., 2009). Marital conflict may be constructive or destructive (Goeke-Morey et al., 2003; McCoy et al., 2009). Marital conflict is said to be constructive when spouses deal with conflict in positive ways by displaying behaviors, such as verbal and physical affection, problem solving and support (Goeke-Morey et al., 2003; McCoy et al., 2009). Constructive conflict tends to be cooperative, pro-social, and relationship-preserving in nature (Deutsch, 1973). Deutsch (1973) argues that constructive behaviors are relatively positive in emotional tone.

Marital conflict is described as destructive when it is hostile, angry, and contains conflict tactics such as physical aggression, verbal aggression, threat, and personal insult (Goeke-Morey et al., 2003; McCoy et al., 2009). Destructive conflict is competitive, antisocial, and relationship-damaging in nature. Deutsch (1973) states that destructive behaviors exhibit negativity, disagreeableness, and sometimes hostility (Deutsch, 1973). To benefit mental health in marital life, marriage should be lived without destructive marital conflict, which is a dimension of marital quality.

As marital conflict is inevitable (Argyle & Furnham, 1983; Goeke-Morey et al., 2003; McCoy et al., 2009), marital conflict can have negative impacts on various aspects. The marital relation itself can be affected such as marital and family disharmony (McCoy et al., 2009), divorce (Amato & Keith, 1991; Emery, 1982). The spouses’ health may be impacted (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001). Hostile marital conflict has a negative impact on children’s self-esteem, achievement in school, and increases the likelihood of depression and antisocial behavior (Gottman, 1979; Jenkins & Smith, 1991; McCoy et al., 2009; Montemayor, 1983). Lloyd (1990) suggests that conflict that is recurrent and stable over time is most problematic for marital relational stability.

There should be mechanisms to prevent or/and to appropriately deal with destructive marital conflict to avoid various negative consequences. Researchers suggest that the inability to constructively manage conflict between spouses themselves is much more important in affecting child adjustment problems than separation and divorce (Amato & Keith, 1991; Emery, 1982). Managing marital conflict and the manner couples manage their conflict has an impact on marital health (Fincham, 2003). Marital conflict resolution is among the factors which determine the impact of the conflict on the relationship (Reese-Weber & Bartle-Haring, 1998).

Marital conflict, family conflict, and domestic violence have recently gained the interest as an area of scientific research in Rwanda. The interest of research in the area of marital conflict, family conflict, and domestic violence is influenced by the increase of conflict among spouses and among parents and children (MIGEPROF, 2011; Mukashema & Sapsford, 2013; Ndushabandi et al., 2016) in post-genocide Rwandan society. Marital conflict in post-genocide Rwandan society is a health issue as such that professionals are being consulted by spouses experiencing that problem (Mukashema & Sapsford, 2013).

The problem of marital conflict has been insufficiently explored in Rwanda (Mukashema & Sapsford, 2013) and only a small number of publications about Rwanda can be found after the genocide of 1994 perpetrated against the Tutsis. The year 1994 is often taken as a reference time separating the pre- and post-periods in relation to the genocide. It is observed that concepts such as marital conflict (Mukashema & Sapsford, 2013) and marital disaccord (Burnet, 2011) are quite newly used in Rwanda (Mukashema, 2014). Little is academically known about psychosocial life in marriage and family in the pre-genocide Rwandan society. Having searched via Rwandan elders with experience in marital life in ancient Rwandan society, the researchers, in this specific chapter, intend to report on the finding regarding the ways which were used to deal with destructive marital conflict in customary Rwanda.

The chapter presents the outcomes from the field data collected during focus group discussions with Rwandan elders. The focus group discussions were held with a mixed group made up oftwo males and three females selected I from the “Guardian of memory” known as Inteko Izirikana (IN) located in Kigali city; a mixed group made up of five males and two females from Rwanda Elders Advisory Forum (RE) in Kigali City; two homogeneous groups made up of seven males and eleven females respectively, selected from the district of Nyanza (Ny) of the southern province of Rwanda; and two homogeneous groups made up of eight males and seven females respectively, selected from the district of Karongi (Ka) of the western province of Rwanda. The data were collected and analyzed using methodological approaches detailed in Chapter 2 of this volume.

Destructive marital conflict in new households was prevented in ancient Rwandan society. Once destructive marital conflict had risen despite preventive measures in place, social mechanisms were put into action to handle it.

Prevention of Destructive Marital Conflict in New Households in Ancient Rwandan Society

The prevention of destructive marital conflict in new households would mainly and primarily run through the family in the parental life process. The parental marital daily lifestyle played an important role in preventing destructive marital conflict for the future spouses. It was a kind of training based on a family lifestyle aiming at the preparation of young people for their future marriage and for their subsequent marital life. Second, prevention was possible through verbal pieces of advice given to young people just prior to their marriage. The young people always observed their parents while living with them, and were advised not to have fights between themselves at home. They had to seek for help from their parents in cases of misunderstanding.

The young people used to observe their parents living carefully and peacefully in their own marital life. This would teach them that they would also have to avoid destructive marital conflict when they got married. (REAF, male)

In their respective family of origin, the bride and the groom were well prepared for their marriage through the observation to their own parents’ behaviors. They were told that if ever a controversial thing was to happen to them once married, they should not fight each other. They should rather approach the parents and tell them what was going wrong. Therefore, the parents could take part in a controversial situation to help them manage and even solve it. (Ny, female)

The young people were well prepared for the marital life ahead of marriage time so that their marital life could function well. They were told that if something was to disrupt their relationship, they shouldn’t fight each other. They would rather have to approach the parents and tell them about the experienced situation, and then the parents would listen to them and advise them. (Ny, male)

Within the marital and parental life in ancient Rwandan society, the children used to learn by observing the living behaviors of their parents. The parents’ behaviors were guided by observation of a number of cultural values which could lead to a peaceful life in the households. The children used to learn by observing how to live peacefully through mutual respect. They would observe how their parents were living in harmony. In the eyes of their children, the parents would avoid bad behaviors that were against the culture of peace. Parents were expected to live and behave carefully in an exemplary manner to set an example to their children who were to become spouses in the future. Once married, the young spouses had to live carefully and peacefully in their turn, and this was seen as an important value they had learned from their parents. Thus, this would prevent destructive marital conflict between them. Through observation, the children could also learn how each had to fulfill his/her responsibilities as a future spouse. This learning by observation was indirectly one way of preventing destructive marital conflict in the new households. Destructive marital conflict prevention was also made possible through verbal pieces of advice, which specifically were given to the young people about to get married on what course of action they should take in case of conflict in the new household.

On the one hand, the young people were advised not to fight each other. They were instead advised to report any misunderstanding to their parents and get help from them before it might lead to destructive marital conflict. On the other hand, even if they were encouraged to search for help from their families in case of misunderstanding, the new spouses were trained before their marriage to be very careful and to abstain from offending their partner. They would strive not to be blamed by their families because of conflict between them. They were fearful of shame if ever they had had a conflict between them and their families came to know about it.

Long ago, there was safety and stability in the households in Rwanda because the disputes were resolved by the spouses within their household. This was so because of the fear of the spouses to be blamed due to a conflict. The spouses would fear to commit offenses to one another as this could prompt their parents to blame them. (REAF, male)

Even if the new spouses were exhorted to search for their families’ help in cases of conflict, living in destructive conflict was a shame for them in the eyes of their families. Therefore, they were exhorted to avoid conflict, or solve any conflict them by themselves, for fear of being blamed and therefore suffering the shame of the existence of conflict in their household. Failure to do so would prompt the parents to intervene in the spousal conflict to help in managing/solving it. The way couples manage their conflict influences the whole family system (Fincham, 2003).

Spousal Destructive Conflict Management in the Families of Origin

Despite the efforts to prevent destructive marital conflict in the new households, it was possible to experience some conflict situations. In those situations, there were social mechanisms in place to handle them through the spouses’ families of origin. The parents of the spouses would help their children to overcome the situation of destructive conflict among them. There was a societal framing spirit used to help the married couples in ancient Rwandan society. A problem arising between the spouses could be resolved within and inside the families; it could not go outside the spouses’ families of origin.

Following their marriage, the new spouses would become members of the society made by the two families of origin. These families had a way of doing a “framing” for the married couple. That framing was also meant to take care of the new spouses in helping them manage potential destructive conflicts rising between them. When a petty fault destructive conflict occurred among the spouses, this destructive conflict was handled immediately to avoid the spread of information to the public. (REAF, female)

In some cases of destructive conflict, the wife could decide to go quietly to see either her mother-in-law or her own mother, and would tell them what kind of conflict was happening in her home. After listening to her daughter-in-law/her daughter, the mother-in-law/native mother might find that the wife was wrong herself. In this case, this is what she could tell her: [“My daughter, in hearing what you said, I can see that you have wronged your husband. Please repent on this fault and go back to your home. Be perseverant and patient with your husband. A husband is a chief; he is a chief for his wife and the whole household. You have to be careful toward your husband, go and behave in this and/or in that way”]. She would go on saying, “We will have to see your husband too and we will blame him.” Then, the mother-in law could go and exhort her son to stop beating his wife. As a result of this mediation, the wife with her husband would thrive and make their family peaceful. The wife would follow the mother’s advice, to go back home and together with her husband, they could prosper and make a good family. (IN, female)

In days of yore, when the spouses quarreled, the parents could come together and listen to the two spouses arguing about their negative conflict. Then, the parents, having understood what the problem was, could tell one of them: [“You (the wife or to the husband) are mistaken]. How come that you fight with your spouse every day while we know well that you got married loving each other? Your disputes will not help your home at all, we have given you a spouse to build up a household, not a wife to quarrel with, go back to your home and do not negatively conflict any more”]. In the past, there was a common understanding in such a way when the elders had warned the new spouses. The latter would eventually listen and comply with what the elders had given as advice. Such advice was to be valued. (Ka, female)

Even with marital conflict prevention, marital conflict is a common aspect of marital relations (Delatorre & Wagner, 2018; Theiss & Leustek, 2016). When a destructive conflict occurred among the new spouses, they would by themselves or with the help of the parents, handle it immediately so as not to let the information spread to the public. Whenever the parents had warned someone among the new spouses, there was a common understanding of the situation. He/she would internalize what the parents had given as advice and the advice was respected as such. The conflict management is key to a successful marriage (Fincham, 2003). African traditional mechanisms of conflict prevention, management, and resolution were largely effective and respected. The decisions about the conflict were binding to all concerned parties. This was mostly because the identity of individual spouse was linked to that of his or her family and the two families were formed by the acceptance of marriage alliances (Ademowo, 2015).

In the ancient Rwandan society, the new spouses would become members of the large community made up of the two families. These families would have a way of doing a framing for the married couple. That framing would ensure that the new spouses were taken care of, by helping them to manage destructive conflict arising between them. Both the parents-in-law as well as the parents of origin had an important role to play in destructive marital conflict management for their married children. This was done in order to prevent their children divorcing, and therefore the breaking down of the relationships established between their two families through the marriage of their two children. Thanks to the involvement of the families of origin in social framing in marriage, in destructive marital conflict prevention and management, the ancient households were stable and long lasting.

The wife would play a great role in maintaining the marital relationship in the ancient Rwandan society. She was encouraged to be patient and persevering in remaining at her home, even when she was a victim of destructive conflicts with her husband. These encouragements from the parents were typically voiced as common sayings from the mother or the mother-in-law as follows: “My daughter, please stay there at your home; that is how the families are made up.” The husband was also reminded of his responsibilities; e.g., that he had to care about his wife and especially to avoid destructive conflict with her. The call upon the wife to patience and perseverance, was accompanied by blaming and advising the husband about his responsibility to respect his wife, and getting rid of destructive behavior such as beating her.

“Kwahukana”

The Kwahukana phenomenon [to flee the marital home for a relatively short period]: sometimes a spouse (generally the wife) could flee the marital home in a situation of conflict. She could flee from her husband for a relatively short period of time (kwahukana). She would go to her in-law family or to her family of origin. Thereafter, the management of the conflict could be initiated within the family to where the wife had fled.

When the two spouses had failed to resolve the conflict between them, the wife could flee to her family of origin or to her family in-law. After one or two days, the husband could come to the family where his wife was to get her back home. The husband would be asked to explain what he had done to his wife to such an extent that she ended up leaving their home. It was such a long discussion indeed. After listening to both parties, the parents would deliberate and the blame would go to the wrongdoer. Eventually, they could advise the two spouses to go back home and live in a peaceful way. (Ny, female)

In some cases of conflict between the spouses, the wife could flee to her family of origin. Then later, the husband would come to her family of origin and try to get her back home. There was a deliberation about the conflict and sometimes agreement was not reached. In this case, the wife’s family of origin could call upon the family-in-law for further deliberations. The two families would gather to reconcile the spouses in conflict. They would carefully listen to what the real matter was in order to devise a way forward. The parents would blame one or both of the couple, following the allegations leveled against each of them. The parents would then teach the spouses what they should do in order to live in peace and to build a strong household. The reconciled spouses thereafter had to go back home, ensure that they respected each other, and they would eventually live a prosperous marital life for the rest of their lives. (Ny, male)

The wife could flee her husband and go to live in her family of origin. Her husband would go and try to get her back home. There was what can be called a “socio-family court” made up of both families to settle the matter. Each spouse would defend him/herself, depending on allegations leveled against them. The parents would listen to them and help them to resolve the conflict. They would then request the spouses to go back home and live in peace. (IN, male)

In situation of spousal destructive conflict, the wife could either flee her husband to her native family, or go to her family-in-law. The boy’s family would often defend their daughter-in-law. I never saw my sister-in-law fleeing to her father’s family whenever there were marital problems. She would always flee from her husband to her father-in-law. This situation was not even revealed to her father’s family. Everything was handled so secretly. Then her father-in-law could take her to her husband’s home to reconcile the couple. In ancient Rwandan society, the parents had this kind of power over their children. When the wife was a victim of marital disputes, her family-in-law had to protect her. (RE, male)

“Kwahukana,” i.e., a woman feeling fed up with her husband’s treatment and then deciding to leave her home, was seen as a special event in the course of spousal conflict resolution. Fleeing either to the family-in-law or to her family of origin by the wife would give her a safe and secure sanctuary. The fleeing spouse (generally the wife) who was previously in danger, would now have protection and feel safe. The other spouse (generally the husband) had to stay at home alone, take time to think about the situation, and then decide to go to try to bring his wife back. The separation time was a good opportunity for them to take time to reflect on their conflict, receive advice from their families, and to refresh their marital relations and life together. Likewise, this thinking-time would also enable them to drop their conflict and decide to continue their marital journey peacefully.

The role of the families in managing and ensuring good marital relationships of their married children in ancient Rwandan society was consistent with the general African traditional families. These families played important roles in supporting the new spouses’ good marital relations (Chereji & King, 2015). In ancient Rwandan society, the two families of origin were actively involved in the new household’s destructive marital conflict management. This was so important in order the help the new spouses get on well, but also to maintain the link and the unity established between the two families through the marriage of the two young people. It was people’s conviction that even though a married couple was made up of two persons, both their families also felt bound by those two young person’s marriage. All was put into play to maintain the new spouses in living together in a peaceful way. Preventing new destructive spousal conflict and intervening in the management of arising conflict would be everyone’s concern in the ancient Rwandan society, and the aim was to safeguard marriage.

Preventing and managing destructive marital conflict in traditional African societies—including Rwanda—was largely about the prevention of divorce as a potential consequence of destructive marital conflict. Divorce was viewed as a shameful situation (Chereji & King, 2015). The parents would do everything they could to prevent divorce. The voices of parents as elders was always listened to, since they had a measure of power over their children and were respected by them. This was common to traditional African cultures which acknowledged the elders as the guardians of the secrets of life, and as the “the wise ones” to be obeyed in the prevention of conflict, and for the preservation of peace (Stuckelberger, 2005).

In ancient Rwandan society, the new spouses were aware of the fact that they were living in their own household, but also within a wider community made up especially of their two families of origin. They knew very well that the community members around them were always looking at them. In that context, the spouses would resolve the destructive marital conflict between them as soon as it arose, so that it could not become publicaly known. In the latter scenario, this would bring shame upon them. However, in cases where they had failed to hide their conflict, their parents were ready to fully listen to them and to help them recover their normal course of peaceful marital life. Destructive conflict among the new spouses was a shameful situation for the two families of origin. Therefore, these families would contribute to the prevention and the management of such a situation in order to maintain the spouses in the marital relation and thus safeguarding the link between two families established as a result of the marriage of their two young people. Commonly in African traditional societies, there was thus an important role for families in marriage conflict management and resolution (Waindim, 2018).

Conclusion

In ancient Rwandan society, there were cultural ways of preventing, managing, and resolving destructive marital conflict in new households. Destructive marital conflict was prevented thanks to the training that the children could get through the marital lifestyle of their parents. Prevention was also possible through verbal advice that prospective spouses would get prior to their marriage. Whenever the conflict occurred despite constant efforts to prevent it, it was first managed within the new household. In case this had failed to function at this level, the two families would help the spouses resolve the conflict so as to allow the marital life to continue in a peaceful manner. The two spouses’ families of origin were crucial in the new destructive spousal marital conflict management and resolution, whenever the conflict could not be solved by the spouses themselves. The families would abide by the principle of objectivity while helping the spouses get through the destructive conflict. In cases of a destructive conflict, the wife could flee the marital home to her family-in-law or to her family of origin. It would normally take some days before the husband would try to get his wife back. The husband would only succeed in getting his wife back home after he had had discussions with the family to where she had fled, and sometimes in the presence of the two families together. Such discussions were focused on the reasons that had led to the conflict in question. Deliberations would always end in blaming the wrongdoer in this.

The spouses were then told to go back to their home and continue their marital journey. There were various ways the two families could contribute to the prevention and management of the destructive marital conflict in the new household; and for a number of reasons. The two families could advise the wives to have patience and perseverance, or blame the husbands for the wrong done. The reasons behind these efforts included the prevention of divorce, making the new household last a long time, and maintaining the ties established between the two families. Both families were supportive to the new spouses in cases of marital conflict to such an extent that the family-in-law of the married woman could even protect and defend her.

This chapter provides an academic reference for marital conflict prevention and management within the customary Rwandan society available to the academic readership. It describes the Rwandan-/African-society methods which were used to prevent and to deal with marital conflict and domestic violence. These ways can also be of inspiration today, in finding solutions to situations of destructive marital conflict within Rwandan society. The findings presented in the chapter will be of interest for, among others: policymakers, mental health and psychosocial support providers, and researchers into marriage and the family. Even if data from focus group discussions may not be eligible for generalization, the cultural context of the current findings give an insight into how marital life within traditional Rwandan society was organized, regarding the prevention and handling of marital conflict. Some experiences can be used from these earlier customs, can be built on, and adapted to home-grown solutions for a better and healthier marital life in today’s Rwandan society. However, a further extended research covering the whole Rwandan country could be of considerable interest. It could systematically look at the dimensions of marital quality in Rwandan society at large today.