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The Science of Female Orgasms: Pleasing Female Partners in Casual and Long-Term Relationships

A quick Internet search exposes an online library of sex advice for how to orgasm (if you are a woman) and/or assist a woman in having an orgasm. Headlines like the following from Cosmopolitan, a women’s magazine, address the confusion and concern surrounding the existence of women’s orgasms (or lack thereof):

  • “8 Reasons You’re Not Orgasming”

  • “10 Things Guys Don’t Understand about the Female Orgasm”

  • “Sex Positions that Help You Orgasm.”

These tips emerge from the disheartening statistics that women orgasm less frequently than men do. For example, some estimates have found that 75 % of men consistently orgasm during partnered sex (i.e., they orgasm every time), whereas only 29 % of women reported that they consistently orgasm during their sexual interactions (Laumann et al. 1994). Given that orgasm is often used as the metric of sexual success and pleasure, these statistics might spawn assumptions that heterosexual women do not enjoy partnered sex in the same way or to the same extent that men do. Moreover, based on these statistics surrounding the “orgasm gap” (i.e., the difference in men and women’s frequency of orgasm), people might even infer that women are simply more difficult to please than men are.

While it may be true that men orgasm more frequently than women in partnered sex, using sociocultural approaches to understanding orgasm, we believe it is inaccurate to suggest that men’s orgasms are easier and women’s are more difficult to invoke. In other words, yes—men orgasm more frequently than women—but this is not because women are biologically hardwired not to orgasm or receive sexual pleasure. Yet remains the question: Why do women orgasm less frequently than men do? What factors might narrow this gap in orgasm frequency between men and women?

In this chapter, we critically examine gender differences in orgasm and, in doing so, provide science-based suggestions for individuals and relationship partners to close the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.Footnote 1 We will begin our examination of women’s orgasm with providing an overview anatomy and orgasms, with a particular focus on the clitoris. For the remainder of the chapter, we consider orgasm frequency in the context of both short-term (casual sex and hookup scenarios) and long-term relationships. Throughout, we offer suggestions for women and their sexual partners to increase women’s orgasm frequency across both short-term and long-term relationships.

Orgasms and Anatomy

In order for sexual partners to have good sex, they need to understand each other’s needs and wants. At the most basic level, this involves knowing a partner’s anatomy. We imagine that the penis and vagina are body parts that first come to mind when we think about heterosexual sex (or even when we teach kids about sexuality), but we would be leading you astray if we wrote this chapter about women’s orgasms without talking about the clitoris. The clitoris is the most powerful predictor of women’s orgasms (Angier 1999), yet remains a mystery in some ways to both men and women alike (Ogletree and Ginsburg 2000). Whereas the penis is external and visible, and thus more familiar to men and women, the clitoris remains unseen most of the time until aroused (i.e., it is protected by the clitoral hood and, for most women, it isn’t completely visible until it is aroused and emerges from its covering). It also does not help its publicity that the clitoris is by no means at the forefront of the “birds and the bees” conversation given that the clitoris has no reproductive function and that female sexual pleasure is most often held on the back burner in conversations about sex.

To clarify, the clitoris is a highly sensitive and responsive female sex organ that serves an important role in sexual pleasure. The clitoris and the penis are homologous—both organs emerge from the same embryonic tissue during development (Hyde and DeLamater 2010). When excited, both the penis and the clitoris swell and fill with blood. However, as we have mentioned, in contrast to the penis and vagina, the clitoris serves no reproductive function, such that it secrets no fluids or genetic material that would contribute to reproduction, nor does it serve a structural purpose for reproduction (e.g., the vagina serves as the birth canal).

So, what is the purpose of the clitoris? Pleasure! In fact, it is the only human organ that serves no other purpose but pleasure. It has more nerve endings than the penis, including the head of the penis. Given the clitoris’ obvious involvement in providing sexual pleasure, it is bad news for women’s orgasms that the clitoris receives so little attention. For example, the clitoris is not usually a main focus during common sexual acts (e.g., intercourse and fellatio). We will return to this point about attending to the clitoris during sex when we discuss casual sex and hookups for women. Here, we suggest that learning about women’s bodies, and the clitoris more specifically, is a great first step that one can take toward providing women with pleasure. Next, we turn to different types of orgasm and the role of the clitoris in orgasms.

Are There Different Types of Orgasm?

We know that men and women differ in frequency of orgasm, but what about quality? Some might think the male orgasm is more powerful and explosive (thus a more important component of good sex) because of the ejaculate it produces. In other words, people may feel that the male orgasm signifies the grand finale of sex, whereas there is more confusion over when and/or whether women’s orgasms occur, as there tends to be less physical evidence compared to men’s orgasm. Thus, some might believe the male orgasm to be superior or as a required part of the sexual experience (whereas sex can still be seen as completed if a woman did not orgasm). In some of our unpublished research, for instance, we have found that male participants might not even be defining sexual practices as “sex” if they did not orgasm during the encounter (perhaps providing further evidence that men and women may define sex differently; Sanders and Reinisch 1999). Interestingly, researchers asked college men and women to describe their orgasms and found that their descriptions were indistinguishable based on gender—suggesting that orgasm is experienced similarly, despite beliefs that men’s orgasms are more intense than women’s and thus a more crucial component of sex (Vance and Wagner 1976). Given these findings, we strongly encourage people to equally value and prioritize both men and women’s orgasms during sex—one is not greater than the other!

But is there a type of female orgasm that is seen as more superior to other orgasms that women have? Most people talk about orgasms in terms of being vaginal (internal) versus clitoral (external) orgasm. We have even heard of “breastgasm” (i.e., when a woman orgasms from breast stimulation). However, we are going to focus on the first two types of orgasm because they seem to be the most common and also cause the most confusion even though they may likely be one in the same. Most of us are probably familiar with statistics that suggest only a small proportion of women orgasm from penetration alone (i.e., without any direct or indirect clitoral stimulation); yet, this “internal” orgasm seems so very easy to have if we look at the sex that occurs in pornography, movies, and television. Are “normal people” just bad at sex in real life?

Because of the emphasis put on heterosexual sex and phallocentric views of sex, many might assume that the most important or superior orgasm would be the vaginal/internal orgasm and that women and men are sexually incompetent if this type of orgasm (from penetration alone) does not occur. But, is there even such a thing as an “internal orgasm”? Probably not. We would say that there is a cultural priority placed on the vaginal orgasm, creating a sexual culture in which women who do not have vaginal orgasms are deemed defective and men who do not provide women with vaginal orgasms are deemed inept. However, Masters and Johnson (1966) in their early sexuality research found no differences between internal and external orgasms, such that the same physiological responses occurred during both types of orgasm among women. Both were characterized by increased heart rate, blood pressure, muscle spasms, contractions in pelvis, and breathing patterns (just like men’s orgasms). Thus, it seems reasonable to conclude that these two orgasms are not as distinct as people believe them to be and, perhaps, there may not be different types of orgasms.

But, most interesting, in our opinion, is the role of the clitoris in both types of orgasm: Scientists have posited that the clitoris is responsible for both types of orgasm—even vaginal or internal orgasms. Because the clitoris extends into the vaginal cavity (the clitoris has two corpora cavernosa and two crura that extend into the body; Clemente 2002), the internal stimulation of penetration against the vaginal walls may actually be arousing the crura of the clitoris, which triggers the orgasmic response. So, when we say that the clitoris is the body’s hub for pleasure, we really mean it!

So if the clitoris is almighty and the acts performed during sex do not stimulate the clitoris, then it is no wonder that that type of sex may not result in orgasm for women. Below, we provide suggestions for improving people’s knowledge about the clitoris and applying this knowledge to the bedroom (or wherever else your sex life may take you). However, first, we do want to caution people about following the sociocultural priority placed on orgasm. Of course, there are ways to enjoy sex and even have “mind-blowing” sex without having an orgasm and, for some people, that might be okay. For instance, when defining “sexual satisfaction,” some women include orgasm as a part of their definition while other women do not (McClelland 2014). So we want to emphasize that a lack of orgasm does not necessarily mean a partner is not enjoying sex and we would advise readers not to turn an orgasm into a stressful pursuit of a goal or an achievement until discussing everything with one’s partner. Sexual satisfaction comes in different forms for different people and for different reasons. However, if a female partner desires to orgasm, the best sexual partners for them should consider the following.

Strategies for Pleasing Female Partners

Keep in mind that sexual scripts for men and women (i.e., the ways that heterosexual men and women should behave in sexual situations; Gagnon and Simon 1973) make it difficult or uncomfortable for women to initiate sex or even communicate their wants and needs for orgasm. (We will return to how this script complicates sexual encounters later in the chapter.) Thus, all of the burden in providing orgasms for women should not fall to women themselves, nor should the responsibility rest solely on their partners’ shoulders. As mentioned above, an important and effective first step is for both men and women to learn about women’s bodies, with an emphasis on understanding and finding the clitoris.

Women’s sexual partners should first understand that orgasm is not likely to magically emerge from penetration or intercourse. Rather, most women will require clitoral stimulation—directly or indirectly. Certain positions of intercourse are more likely to provide clitoral stimulation (e.g., if on top, she will have more control of creating friction that can assist her orgasm). Perhaps, women may require or want clitoral stimulation before or after, but not during, penetration if they want to orgasm. All women are different and the best way to learn what she wants is to ask. Communicate about where she wants you to touch her or even ask her to guide your hand or body. The degree of stimulation, pressure, and location surrounding the clitoris may bring about different sensations for different women so verbal and nonverbal communication is key!

Women should also understand that penetration is an unlikely way to bring about orgasm and that she is not dysfunction if a “vaginal” orgasm does not occur. However, one way to learn about what may increase the likelihood of her orgasm is to masturbate. If a woman is not sure what needs to happen during sex for her orgasm, we imagine it might be difficult to communicate her needs with a partner (especially in a short-term or one-time context, like a hookup). Data support the notion that self-exploration can reduce gender differences in orgasm frequency. For example, the age at which an individual starts masturbating predicts how likely someone is to orgasm. Given that men masturbate earlier than women do, we can infer that the onset of masturbation is one factor that contributes to men’s orgasm frequency later in life. Therefore, we argue that the gap between men and women’s frequency of orgasm might be attenuated if girls and women had more experience pleasuring their bodies.

Masturbation is a great way to begin to learn which types of stimulation lead to orgasm and this practice will come in handy later. Sex therapists have touted the benefits of masturbation for years, including ways to improve orgasm consistency and frequency during intercourse, sexual desire, and even a technique to treat female orgasmic disorder (Hurlbert and Apt 1995; Kelly et al. 1990; Zamboni and Crawford 2003). In fact, in a classic study by famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, researchers found that women who masturbated before marriage were more likely to orgasm during the first year of marriage with their husbands than women who did not masturbate prior to the marriage (Kinsey et al. 1953). Further, women masturbate to orgasm in approximately the same amount of time as men (approximately four minutes for both women and men; Kinsey et al. 1953) and more similar numbers of men and women report that they always or usually have an orgasm during masturbation (i.e., 80 % of men compared to 60 % of women, which is a much smaller gap than the 79 and 25 % found when asked about partnered sex; Laumann et al. 1994). Ultimately, these findings should help you lay to rest assumptions that women are biologically more difficult to please and that a difference in orgasm frequency during partnered sex is inevitable. Rather, we hope this information and promotion for masturbation may improve your sex life whether it be solo or with a sexual or relationship partner.

Orgasms in Casual Relationships

One of our goals in this chapter is to explore orgasms in a variety of types of relationships in order to shed light on how context is associated with women’s orgasms. Thus far, we have been addressing the concept of orgasm in a general way. But given that sexual encounters are fundamentally social interactions, the type of relationship has implications for whether or not orgasms happen and, more specifically, gender differences in orgasm frequency. In particular, we will now address heterosexual casual sex or “hookups.” In essence, when we say “casual sex” or “hookups,” we are referring to one-time or short-term sexual experiences that do not involve assumptions of an ongoing relationship following the encounter(s).

The orgasm gap, while often cast as the result of a biological difference between women and men, is evidenced more strongly in some relationship contexts than in others. Specifically, gender differences in orgasm are most pronounced in casual sex relationships (Armstrong et al. 2010). In their study of thousands of college students, they found that women only orgasmed about 32 % of the time compared to men in first-time hookups, but 79 % of the time that men did in relationships.

Is this gap present because it is anatomically more “difficult” for women to orgasm? Recall that women’s anatomy is an unlikely culprit in the orgasm gap given their frequency of orgasm during masturbation. What about the possibility that it’s more difficult for another person to help a woman orgasm? That is, perhaps it is more difficult for another person to help a woman orgasm than to help a men orgasm. This is a reasonable consideration. Yet, the challenge of orgasm assistance is substantially less prominent in committed relationships; women orgasm at nearly the same rate as men in the context of close relationships. Thus, we suggest that the casual sex orgasm gap is not a product of women’s anatomy or women’s capacity for orgasm. Instead, we suggest that the casual sex orgasm gap is most fundamentally about the dynamics (physical and psychological) of the relationships in which the casual sex is occurring.

If women’s anatomy is not responsible for the gender difference, how do we explain the orgasm gap? When we put aside the idea that women are anatomically more difficult than men, we are left with another common refrain: “women just don’t like sex as much as men” or “women just aren’t that sexual.” Popular media and common wisdom triangulate upon this standard answer endlessly, with common representations of men pursuing sex from reluctant women and husbands’ complaints about wives tepid interest in sex.

If women are, in fact, relatively uninterested in sexual pleasure and orgasms, we might expect that women would not care about the sexual capabilities of their partner in a casual hookup. That is, if they don’t like sex anyway, then how good the sex is should be of little concern to women, or, at least of less concern than it is for men. We might expect women to be more concerned with factors other than having an orgasm. Some would say, for example, that a woman’s primary concern in sexual encounters is whether the man is high status and thus would be able to support her in a relationship (Conley 2011).

Researchers in our laboratory addressed this question (Conley 2011)—what factors cause a woman to choose casual sex with a particular partner? Across several studies, we asked women and men to tell us about why they would choose a partner that they imagined propositioning them, or to tell us why they chose a sexual partner in the past. In each study, the factor that was consistently associated with acceptance of casual sex offer for both women and men was the perceived sexual capabilities of the proposer. Sexual capabilities of the proposer was the strongest predictor of whether someone would say “yes” when approached for casual sex. In other words, people of both genders are more likely to accept sex from someone they believe to be a good lover.

Interesting, isn’t it? We encounter so many cultural messages about how women are not concerned with sexual pleasure or orgasm—that they don’t like sex or that they “just want to be held.” Yet, what determines whether they are going to accept a particular sexual offer from a particular man? The partner’s sexual capabilities… just like men.

What Does Not Account for the Orgasm Gap in Casual Sex?

But let’s return to our original question, which concerned gender differences in orgasm. We hope we have persuaded you that despite cultural assumptions about the capacity of women’s bodies to create orgasms, anatomical differences cannot account for the orgasm gap. We also demonstrated that having good sex (in the form of choosing partners who are presumed to have high sexual capabilities) is valued by women; thus, we remain unconvinced that women are just less “sexy” (i.e., interested in or having the capacity for sex) than men are. More specifically, we have discussed how, in casual contexts, women are seeking out good sexual capabilities in a partner. However, in those studies, we did not specifically ask whether women expected that these sexually capable partners would increase the likelihood of orgasm. It is possible that women do not equate sexual pleasure with orgasm. Thus, they seek a partner with good sexual capabilities, but they do not care whether that partner assists their orgasm. Is such an explanation plausible?

Initial research suggested that this explanation could be true (for a review see Armstrong et al. 2012)—that is, women often do not explicitly state a preference for orgasm, at least when asked directly. However, Armstrong and colleagues (Armstrong et al. 2012) addressed this issue slight differently. Although women may not explicitly state that orgasm is important to them, the picture was different when the researchers addressed the association between orgasm and overall satisfaction. Armstrong et al. found that the association between orgasm and sexual satisfaction is quite strong. Armstrong et al. (2012) state, “The most important finding from regressions predicting enjoyment, however, was seen in the effect of orgasm itself… The odds of reporting enjoyment were approximately five to six times higher in relationships and hookups if women had an orgasm. These large effects should put to rest doubt about whether women care about orgasm,” p. 453. Thus, although women may explicitly state that they do not care if they have an orgasm, when this question is approached indirectly, it does seem to be key to their sexual happiness. We reject, then, the idea that women orgasm less than men simply because they do not care as much about orgasms. Thus, the mystery of the orgasm gap still persists.

What Accounts for the Orgasm Gap?

Establishing what does not account for the orgasm gap is perhaps easier that determining what does cause it.

In the context of college and young adult sexual relationships, part of the reason for the gap is probably heterosexual young men’s unfamiliarity with women’s bodies. Of course, sexual predilections are idiosyncratic, for both women and men, being in a relationship gives them time to learn their partner’s body (Armstrong et al. 2012), but this advanced learning is understandably difficult to achieve in a single hookup. However, young men also feel pressure to know exactly what to do sexually without asking any questions. The “script” of idealized heterosexual sexual encounters (Gagnon and Simon 1973) does not involve actually asking a partner what does or does not feel good. Instead, this information is expected to be effortlessly divined, which sets up highly unrealistic expectations for the dynamics of sexual encounters.

By the same token, women have no cultural script to follow to express preferences and desires during a sexual encounter. As a result, women feel uncomfortable asking for sexual pleasure (Armstrong et al. 2012). In fact, women often don’t even feel that they can express to their partner that sexual acts are painful or frightening to them (Fahs 2011). Being able to optimize their sexual pleasure is likely much further afield, then, especially in a casual encounter. Over time in a relationship they are more likely to find their voice.

Another factor influencing the orgasm gap is the type of acts that happen in hookups. As we discussed previously, women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, in the same way that men need penile stimulation. Fellatio is much more common in hookups–with cunnilingus noticeably absent (Armstrong et al. 2010). Fellatio is about male orgasm. It involves no clitoral stimulation and, hence, has no effect on female orgasmic responses. That is, it would be highly unusual for a woman to orgasm by performing fellatio. Thus, to the extent that fellatio happens during hookups and cunnilingus does not, the orgasm gap could be expected to be quite large. Of course, other hookups involve vaginal intercourse. Common implementations of intercourse generally give men more physical (not to mention psychological) freedom to move their bodies in a way to promote their own orgasms. Given ample research concerning women’s lack of agency in sexual situations, it seems likely that women feel unempowered to change or direct sexual positions to optimize clitoral stimulation in a way that would facilitate orgasm. Thus, the very acts that happen during casual encounters stack the deck against the occurrence of women’s orgasm.

Finally, we offer an explanation that perhaps gets at the roots of the orgasm gap in casual encounters: communication. Without saying a word, our culture vehemently rejects conversations about sex. Because parents and teachers don’t talk to children about sex, or talk about it in an embarrassed way or in a hushed tone, kids learn that sex is an “off-limits” topic. Movies teach us that in a good sexual encounter, there are no junctures of direction or correction that every motion is coordinated seamlessly; therefore, having to communicate during a sexual encounter can make one feel like a failure. Women receive all sorts of cultural messages about sex that inhibit their ability to communicate. For example, they are considered slutty if they like sex, thus communicating to a partner their sexual desires in an encounter is troublesome (e.g., Armstrong et al. 2010; Conley et al. 2013a). And men are supposed to be in charge of the sexual situation—so a woman communicating that she wants something different than what her male partner is doing, could insult him or wound his pride.

We are not implying that the orgasm gap is the “fault” of one gender or another in a heterosexual pair. Rather, we argue that the orgasm gap in hookups is a product of different playing fields for women and men and a culture that makes it difficult for people of either gender to talk about sexuality. Clearly, given the multiple societal pressures on women and men alike, bridging the orgasm gap is daunting. We will now turn to some strategies that might be useful in addressing this problem on both a societal and an individual level.

Diminishing the Orgasm Gap in Casual Encounters

We can probably generally agree that it is to everyone’s benefit if women are more satisfied in their casual sex encounters. For one, women want sexual pleasure in partnered interactions. Women are more sexually satisfied when they have orgasms and prefer casual sex partners whom they believe to have good sexual capabilities. These findings contradict the cultural assumption that sexual pleasure is not on women’s minds. Moreover, it is hard to imagine a convincing argument to support the notion that men are somehow entitled to more sexual satisfaction than women are. Clearly, reasonable people would agree that women and men are equally deserving of sexual satisfaction. The current orgasm gap is not fair or just.

However, the benefits of closing the orgasm gap are not for heterosexual women alone. Heterosexual men would also benefit from women believing that casual encounters can be highly pleasurable. Because women prioritize sexual capabilities in choosing male casual sex partners, to the extent that male partners provide women with better sexual experiences, casual sex rates should surely increase. So what can we do?

We suspect that what is most fundamentally absent in casual sex encounters is self-knowledge. In addition to our suggestion of exploring one’s body, likes, and needs through masturbation (which arguably should improve the odds of equitable sexual encounters at any stage of life), we also encourage both parties (but especially women) to know exactly what they want sexually. Perhaps, this is part of the reason why women more consistently orgasm in their mid-30s than in their earlier years of being sexual—they have grown into knowing their desires and, more importantly, have learned the best ways to communicate their desires.

To achieve the goal of knowing what one wants out of a sexual encounter, a person must do some planning of the sexual encounter—at least in their own minds. One could think about these questions: What sorts of sex sound appealing for you to try? What behaviors are definitely off limits? What would happen if a partner suggests something new that you haven’t thought of? Do you want to definitely say “no” to situations you haven’t considered? We suggest that people should do some soul-searching about what they want sexually prior to involving another person in their sex life.

Given our earlier analysis of problems that give rise to the orgasm gap, it should come as no surprise that our primary solutions surround communication. Before people enter sexual situations, they should have considered the means by which they will communicate their desires. We suggest actually practicing phrases out loud (perhaps with no one listening!). From “It feels great when you do that” to “wait, can I move a little?” or “can we try something different?” The bottom line is that people need to think about how they would like to communicate these sentiments. Doing so would allow people to think of the most considerate ways to interact with well-intentioned partners. If you were not giving your partner what she or he wanted, would you want to know? What would be the best way to find that out? Likewise, everyone can ask a partner directly (or perhaps, obliquely!) whether they are experiencing pleasure. Practicing those phrases would also help: thinking of comfortable (or sexy) ways to ask “Do you like that?” or “Does it feel good to you?” Also consider even more proactive communication, like “tell me what you like”; “I want to know what feels good for you,” or “what are some things you would like to try?” These phrases encourage a partner to reciprocate communication.

Another issue that seems to obviously influence women’s orgasms is that many men simply do not feel that it is necessary for women in casual contexts to have orgasms. A majority of men in Armstrong et al. (2012) reported being sexually selfish in this way, apparently without compunction. A young man in one of Armstrong et al.’s (2012) studies said, “If it’s just a random hookup, I don’t think [her orgasm] matters as much to the guy. Say they meet a girl at a party and it’s a one night thing, I don’t think it’s gonna matter to them as much,” p. 456. Another confirmed that, “In a hookup… I don’t give a shit (about whether the woman orgasms),” p. 456. When asked why he didn’t care about a woman’s orgasm in a hookup, another young man commented, “I guess it’s more of a selfish thing,” p. 456. It is hard to fathom the logic behind reasoning of this type. (Except, perhaps, the inaccurate assumption that women are more difficult to please, which we addressed earlier.)

Yet, heterosexual men simultaneously prize the goal of bringing a woman pleasure (Pascoe 2007; Braun et al. 2003; Salisbury and Fisher 2014). In fact, they appear to enact masculinity through presumed heterosexual sex competence. The pressure on women to orgasm in the service of men’s egos is high enough that women frequently fake orgasms (e.g., Wiederman 1997). Surely this desire to be a good lover could be harnessed in the name of just and equitable sexuality (or, for that matter, basic politeness). And surely men would feel better knowing that a female partner actually orgasms than they would if they knew that she faked an orgasm to satisfy his ego.Footnote 2 Thinking in terms of college environments, workshops for men on “how to be a great lover” could provide a context in which to promote equity in sexual contexts.

Orgasms in Long-Term Relationships

Despite the orgasm-roadblocks women are confronted with in casual sex encounters, long-term relationships offer some orgasm solace. With casual sex, women may not view men as up-to-par sexual partners (and, subsequently, may avoid sex altogether) or feel uncomfortable about voicing what gives them pleasure. However, a committed partner helps alleviate some of the awkwardness associated with a less-than-familiar sexual partner.

As we have previously noted, cunnilingus helps facilitate women’s orgasms, and research has shown that women are on the receiving end to a greater extent in long-term relationships than in first-time hookups (Armstrong et al. 2009, 2012). In fact, according to over 12,000 college-aged adults, for those in committed relationships 16 % said that only the woman received oral sex and 52 % said both partners received oral sex during the last time they engaged in sexual activity (Armstrong et al. 2009). This is in stark contrast to first-time hookups, where 19 % said only the woman received oral sex and 27 % both mutually received it. Foreplay appears to be the key for women reaching orgasm: In first-time hookups, 31 % of men and a mere 10 % of women had an orgasm but 85 % of men and 68 % of women had an orgasm during their most recent committed-relationship sexual activity (Armstrong et al. 2009).

Again, you might be wondering about enjoyment of the sexual activity beyond merely having an orgasm. For women, not reaching an orgasm does not necessarily mean lack of enjoyment; however, women who had an orgasm (again, more frequently in long-term relationships) reported high enjoyment (Armstrong et al. 2012).

Foreplay and enjoyment are, of course, obvious reasons as to why women orgasm more frequently in long-term relationships than in first-time or casual sex encounters. As discussed earlier, the clitoris has a multitude of nerve endings that can be primarily felt on the outside of a woman’s body; thus, making oral sex an ideal vehicle to orgasm (e.g., Fugl-Meyer et al. 2006; Herbenick et al. 2010). Moreover, getting someone else to the point of orgasm can be thought of as a skill that is acquired overtime (Laumann et al. 1994). Again, making long-term relationships is ideal to practice and develop ways to assist one’s partner to climax.

A less intuitive explanation that women orgasm at higher rates in long-term relationships, as compared to casual encounters, is the sexual double standard. The sexual double standard is when men and women are held to different ideals (and are differently evaluated) for the same sexual behavior (Crawford and Popp 2003; Reiss 1964). Women fear slut-shaming and a negative reputation for engaging in sex outside of a committed relationship, whereas men are lauded for this exact sexual behavior (Bogle 2008; Conley et al. 2013a). Thus, long-term relationships may serve as a safe haven for sexual activity for women—or at least a space where they are not slut-shamed. Although Armstrong et al. (2012) found that young men are not so concerned with women’s pleasure in casual sex scenarios, they do seem more concerned about women’s orgasms in committed relationships. Armstrong and colleagues interpret this gender disconnect to provide pleasure as embodying a new version of the sexual double standard, as best said by them: “entitlement to sexual pleasure has become reciprocal within relationships, but doubts about women’s entitlement to pleasure in casual liaisons keep women from asking to have their desires satisfied and keep men from seeing women as deserving of their attentiveness in hookups” (p. 458). In other words, the sexual double standard restricts what women feel they can sexually express and gives men latitude to not be concern with women’s pleasure during non-committed sex.

Are Relationships Always Good for Orgasms?

Above, we described some good news (with a caveat) about the benefits of long-term relationships for women’s orgasms. However, as you may have personally experienced, sexual satisfaction and frequency of sex decline over time in committed relationships (Brewis and Meyer 2005; Clement 2002). Thus, much to everyone’s dismay, women have fewer orgasms the longer they are in relationships with the same partners. Ultimately, this decline in orgasm frequency might boil down to the decline in sexual activity in long-term relationships. Many factors contribute to having sex less frequently, including stress about work and childbirth to name only two. But, what about factors that do not deal with daily life stressors or milestones? Over the years, researchers have explored how women’s physiological sexual response may be different than men’s.

Scientists posit that sexual arousal and desire is incentive based (or circular), suggesting that sexual cues (e.g., porn and erotic audio recordings) and how pleasurable they are perceived can change across time (e.g., Basson 2001). When men and women are shown the same sexual stimuli over and over again, they both report feeling less sexually aroused and devices placed on their genitals also show that they are, in fact, less aroused (Dawson et al. 2013; Koukounas and Over 1993; Meuwissen and Over 1990). Simply put, sexy material that once was arousing becomes considerably less arousing over time. But, when men and women view novel sexual material—something new—they report feeling sexually aroused, and their genitals also show arousal (Both et al. 2011; Dawson et al. 2013; Koukounas and Over 1993, 2001; Meuwissen and Over 1990). Although there is evidence that both men and women habituate to sexual stimuli over time, a study by Both et al. (2011) found that only women habituated to sexual stimuli (in this case a short erotic film), not men. Both and colleagues noted that in other research that showed men became less sexually aroused to the same stimuli over time, it appeared that men habituate more slowly than women. It is tempting to conclude that women habituate to sexy things, perhaps even their long-term romantic partners, quicker than men. However, more research is needed to decide the veracity of this claim.

In sum, women are more likely to have an orgasm with long-term relationship partners than first-time or casual sex partners—which is likely to due to men paying more attention to women’s pleasure (especially with oral sex) and men learning overtime what “works” with their partner. But, on the downside, long-term relationships appear to mask the insidious nature of the sexual double standard. Women are more likely to have an orgasm in a committed relationship because they may feel less stigmatized for adhering to inequitable sexual norms—and men are reinforcing this by not being concerned about women’s pleasure in casual sex and hookup contexts. Long-term relationships also appear to lend themselves to becoming “sexually boring” with a partner over time, especially for women. Women tend to get used to (or habituated to) the same sexual stimuli sooner than men (however, additional research in this area is warranted).

Tips for Keeping the Sparks of Orgasm Alive

The relationship between long-term relationships and women’s orgasms is complicated. On the one hand, sex with a committed partner boosts the odds that women have an orgasm. On the other hand, long-term relationships are not without their pitfalls for women to reach a climax. One way to circumvent some of these pitfalls should come as no surprise by this point: have open communication with your partner, whether they be your one-night-wonder or your long-term partner about what you like sexually. Not surprisingly, people (in committed relationships) who disclosed what they sexually enjoyed to their partner—for example, they indicated to their partner how much they like to be kissed, receive oral sex, etc.—had high sexual communication and sexual satisfaction (Byers and Demmons 1999). Guiding and instructing someone as to the specifics of what “works” and continues to work will likely lead to more orgasms (plus, simply talking about sex can get pretty sexy!).

Of course, knowing what sexually pleases you is important. Among women in long-term relationships, those who masturbated (compared to those who had never reached an orgasm through masturbation) had more orgasms and required less time to become sexually aroused (Hurlbert and Whittaker 1991). In Hurlbert and Apt’s (1995) study, they created a workshop detailing ways to masturbate. If you are unsure of what to try, Google it! Explore what feels good to you and let your partner know. It is important to note that we believe that sexual likes and interests change over time and masturbation is a great tool for exploring those possibilities. So, please do not think of masturbation as an amateur component of your sexuality; rather, it should be a continuous educational experience for you.

Finally, this may sound controversial to some, but there is some evidence that suggests that sexual desire declines for women in long-term relationships and can be increased by a new sexual partner—or even sharing the fantasy of a new sexual partner (Klusmann 2002; Perel 2006). We are by no means suggesting that an affair is in order to orgasm more frequently. However, there is a link between increased sexual desires for those in a long-term relationship who are sexually unfaithful to their partners (Klusmann 2002). If looking for another sexual partner, instead of sexual infidelity, we suggest an alternative: consensual non-monogamy. Consensual non-monogamy is a relationship type in which all partners involved explicitly agree to have romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people (Conley et al. 2013b). You might be most familiar with the term open relationship, but other types of consensual non-monogamy include polyamory (a focus on more than one loving and romantic relationship) and swinging (a focus on more than one purely sexual relationship). Perhaps, talking with your partner about the possibility of a threesome or sex with other people could be a way to increase sexual variety and novelty—ultimately leading to more orgasms. However, if this does not sound appealing to you or your partner, there are also other ways to add novelty without involving another person (e.g., sharing erotica, disclosing, or playing out fantasies). Again, communicate!

Conclusion

Our goal in this chapter was to provide science-based evidence for understanding women’s orgasms. We hope that this information can be used to improve the likelihood of women’s orgasms in hookup scenarios (i.e., contexts in which the orgasm gap between men and women is the largest), as well as in long-term relationship contexts—which provide its own set of challenges to orgasm. To assist in providing greater orgasm equity for all, we leave you with this checklist that summarizes the strategies we have offered throughout this chapter that should lead you on your way toward mutually satisfying sex. Enjoy!

Checklist to pass Orgasm 101:

  • Understand, find, and attend to the clitoris

  • Communicate about the level of and type of stimulation

  • Masturbate— know what your body likes and doesn’t like

  • Self-knowledge: What sexual acts do you want to happen?

  • Practice communicating about what you want or need your partner to do

  • Equally prioritize both partners’ orgasms

  • Recommunicate what is arousing to you and what contributes to your orgasms in long-term relationships

  • Continue masturbation as a learning exercise and way to discover new interests

  • Discuss how to introduce novelty into your sex life (e.g., new partners, fantasies, and erotica).