Keywords

Introduction

One of the central functions of marriage is to create a family and to define relationships between the spouses in the family. It is suggested that family organization is a central aspect of cultural identity (McDonald, 2000). The timing of changes in family life can vary depending on the society and culture (Hewitt & Churchill, 2020). Countries across the world have put in place policies related to marriage and family, but it may be difficult to implement and to enforce those policies, due to the strength of traditional family and marriage practices (Hewitt & Churchill, 2020; Kim et al., 2013; Koski et al., 2017; Maswikwa et al., 2015).

This chapter presents the outcomes from a research about the characteristics of marital and family life in ancient Rwandan society. The research field data were collected during focus group discussions with Rwandan elders. The focus group discussions brought together a mixed group made up of two males and three females selected in the “Guardian of memory” known as Inteko Izirikana (IN) located in Kigali city; a mixed group made up of five males and two females from Rwanda Elders Advisory Forum (RE) in Kigali City; two homogeneous groups made up of seven males and eleven females respectively selected in the district of Nyanza (Ny) of the southern province of Rwanda; and two homogeneous groups made up of eight males and seven females respectively selected in the district of Karongi (Ka) of the western province of Rwanda.

The data were collected and analyzed using methodological approaches as detailed in Chapter 2 of this volume.

Characteristics of Marital and Family Life in Customary Rwanda

Marital life in customary Rwandan society had a number of characteristics. The marital life was characterized by compliance with values within the household. There were spousal specific responsibilities in the household and special gender complementarities. The bearing and the upbringing of children was done in the cultural setting of gender roles in ancient Rwandan society. The parents’ mindset toward their children was all about preparing them to become future good spouses. In the community within pre-genocide Rwandan society, the marriage was a project in which the family had an important role to play. Prior to the marriage day, the young people would receive verbal advice to guide them on how marital and family life should be conducted.

Marital Life Characterized by Compliance with Values Within the Household

In the customary Rwandan society, marital life was guided by compliance with a number of cultural and behavioral values. The values that were observed include mutual respect, mutual love, spousal harmony, faithfulness, and unity among the household members. The spouses had a responsibility to practice and show good behaviors so as to serve as “role models” to the children in daily marital life in the households.

Spouses in the customary Rwandan society had to show good behaviors based on mutual respect and love so that their children could grow up in that same perspective of behaving well. That life framework would give a good example of marital life to the children. (Ka, male)

Husband and wife were living harmoniously and respected each other. The husband respected his wife and the wife respected her husband. The same could even be observed between themselves and their children. As a result, they could all get on very well with each other at home. (Ny, male)

Family values are beliefs about what is right, wrong, or important in life that people often learn through socialization from their families, typically being the importance of high moral standards and the traditional family unit of mother, father, and children (Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries, 1948). According to the Rwandan elders, the respect between the spouses rested on the principle that the husband was considered as the respected chief of the household. After the fulfillment of his home’s responsibilities such as land labor, the husband used to go out, meet his fellow men and socialize with them. When back home, the wife would show her husband the respect he deserved as the chief of the household.

The husband as chief of the household was respected. For instance, after working in the farm, or fulfilling other household obligations, he would go to gather with his fellow men in the open talk. When he was later on back home, the wife would welcome him and show respect to him as chief of the household. (Ny, male)

The husband was aware of the fact that he was a man and the wife was aware that she was a woman, they had to respect each other. (Ny, male)

There is a fact that in some African societies women were socialized to be self-effacing and that was not seen as an oppression exercised by men to women (Hinga et al., 2008). But in the views of Rwandan elders who participated in this study, the respectful consideration of the husband as chief of the household by the wife was culturally done under the mutual respect and love among other values, and this would tremendously lead to harmony in the household. The spouses, men and women, who respected the Rwandan culture, had to observe cultural values that required them to show mutual respect. Thus, the woman could give good advice to her husband and the latter would normally not object, and vice versa, in order to have a good functional household. The wives were the close collaborators of their husbands in terms of decision-making in the households.

Each spouse had her/his own responsibilities to be accomplished with respect within the household life, the wives would be the managers of the household. (RE, male)

The wife was so respected that no husband could offer a cow to someone without discussing this with his wife or without her consent. (IN, male)

Spousal Specific Responsibilities in the Household and Gender Complementarities

In the ancient Rwandan society, the spouses were aware of the constitutional/biological differences between them. As chief of the household, the husband was there to acknowledge that he was a “man” and thus was supposed to assume his responsibilities consequently. In terms of spouses’ relationship, the husband’s responsibilities consisted among so many others in giving his wife a significant value. On her side, the wife had to recognize that she was a “woman” and should recognize that her husband was the chief of the household; and thus deserved unconditional respect. Each of the spouses had a specific way of maintaining the spousal relationship at home. This depended on what the man would expect from his wife and what his wife would expect from him. They had to please and complement each other.

The spouses’ life in the ancient households of Rwandan society was that each spouse had his or her specific responsibilities. The wife was culturally given the duties of ensuring domestic cleanliness and properly keeping the milk jars, dishes, and bed. All those were the duties of the wife. Building a hut (traditional Rwandan living shelter) was the responsibility of the husband. He also had to repair it whenever necessary. (IN, male)

The wife and the husband had a responsibility of complementing each other. The wife was in charge of the house ground, she was engaged in the good managementwife was in charge of the house ground, she was engaged in the good management of the household’s resources too. She had to care for the kids and the guests and to carry out any other domestic activity. (IN, female)

The husband and the wife used to be complementary. The complementarities were not only limited to procreation. The wife had some other responsibilities like caring for grains, food, and feeding children, while the husband was in charge of searching for the household’s wealth. The spouses used to have gender-based specificities but also gender complementarities because the wife had to please her husband and vice versa. (RE, male)

The Rwandan elders who participated in the focus group discussion said that the spouses in the ancient Rwandan society respected and valued their biological differences and complemented each other. Each spouse had, knew, and would never complain about his or her specific responsibilities in the household. The wife would stay at home as care giver in the household while the husband was in charge of searching and increasing the household’s wealth, like in some other traditional African societies (Kanji & Schober, 2013).The responsibilities of the spouses in the households in ancient Rwandan society were based on gender difference and on complementarities. The views of the elders who participated in this study about men/women relationships in the context of the ancient Rwandan society are far from the literature stressing that the African women have been culturally seen as having always been oppressed, discriminated against because of the notion that they would only become wives and mothers (Adekunle, 2007; Rosaldo & Lamphere, 1974). In the ancient Rwandan society, the normal Rwandan marital and family relationship particularly, was characterized by the cultural context of husband/wife relationships of living in complementarities based on gender differences. This did not necessarily mean oppression and discrimination; according to the Rwandans elders. Instead, this contributed to marital and family well-being leading to family stability, which benefited the family members in ancient Rwandan society. This is consistent with the fact that relationships with family members are significant for well-being across the life course (Merz et al., 2009; Umberson et al., 2010), and subjective well-being and relationship quality contribute to the health benefits of marriage (Lawrence et al., 2019).

Bearing and Upbringing of Children with Respect to Gender Roles

In ancient Rwandan society, the two spouses had to produce children and make the family larger and extended. The parents would raise their children and ensure they got an appropriate upbringing in accordance with the Rwandan “cultural” context. Everything was done to ensure that specific gender and gender role difference were respected.

The spouses would procreate and expand the family. Their children would grow up having a bit of the culture from their parents. The children would follow the lifestyle that was displayed to them by their parents. (Ka, male)

The parents had to take care of their children and give them a good upbringing. The children would grow up and show their family culture. At the time of customary Rwandan society, children could not be seen wandering in the street as it happens today. (Ny, male)

The current findings about the characteristics of marital and family life in ancient Rwandan society meet the family culture or family tradition understanding as an aggregate of attitudes, ideas and ideals, and environment, which a person inherits from his/her parents and ancestors (Wikipedia Encyclopedia, 2001). The findings show that the children used to follow the life model of their parents in order to acquire the social behavior in the cultural context of the Rwandan society. The parents had to take care of their children and do their best so that the behavior of the latter could not conflict with the Rwandan cultural context. In this logic, it was impossible to find children growing up in the streets in the ancient Rwandan society.

Even if this study’s objective is not a comparison between family life in ancient and contemporary Rwandan society, but an exploration and description of the characteristics of marital life in customary Rwandan society, it is stated that the 1994 genocide against the Tutsis has had a number of negative consequences: the decline of ancient family structure and functioning; and the economic and psychosocial consequences as well as the increasing marital conflict, which have had a particular influence on the new phenomenon of street children in Rwanda (Kayiranga & Mukashema, 2014). The 1994 genocide has been a “fertile land” for the real, serious, and constantly increasing phenomenon of street children (MIGEPROF, 2005).

Parents’ Mindset with Regard to Preparing Their Children to Become Future Good Spouses

In their daily lifestyles and activities, the parents always felt concerned about, and minded the preparation of their children for marriage in the future. The way the parents lived in their daily life would prepare their children to become future spouses and parents. Through the parents’ family life dynamic in the home, the children would learn how a wife and how a husband had to behave within the household. The children, in watching the behaviors of their parents in their daily life, could figure out how to behave as spouses and as parents. Both parents had to get rid of indecent behaviors in the eyes of their children. They were careful in their behaviors especially in front of their children. They would strive to avoid that their children see or find anything wrong in them. The parents had various activities to perform that were to be learned by the children. Particularly from the mother, a young girl was practically prepared about the details of caring for a home, and also on how to behave in case of any problems with her husband. On the other hand, the young boy would mainly learn from his father’s behavior.

When raised in their family, the girl and the boy used to observe and learn from their parents’ behaviors. The young lady used to especially observe her mother. She was learning to prepare milk. This is the culture that his mother would give her. She was shown how to cook food. The mothers would teach their daughters how to make a bed and do cleanliness. The young boys would particularly observe their fathers’ behaviors. They used to observe how the parents were living together and how a man would have to behave when living with his wife once married. (Ny, female)

A girl would only start new life in her own household when she was ready to behave as a wife. Her marriage only could take place after she had done all practical exercises in the family, after she had come to know how to make a bed, sweep, prepare milk, and handle all household chores. (IN, female)

A young lady was raised by her mother and trained about appropriate behaviors required to sustain her new family/household and how she would need to behave. The mother would also teach her how to be seen as exemplary among other girls. The mother could not allow her daughter to go outside of the house ground. She would protect her from contact with males to preserve her virginity until she got married. (IN, male)

The parents had to do all their best so that their children could not see or hear something wrong from them. For example, the parents had to avoid mistakes such as severely and heavily blaming the partner in the eyes of their children or having bad discussions in the presence of the children. (Ny, female)

While the children would learn from both parents in general, the young lady was always focused on learning from her mother, while the young boy would do the same from his father. The girls would learn to become good wives and the boys had to do alike to become good husbands. The boys would be trained specifically in how a man had to behave to be seen as a chief of the household and how to live with a wife. The parents would try to protect their children so that they could stay with their virginity until they get married. That was so important especially for the girl. In traditional African societies, virginity was held in high esteem. The parents of a married virgin bride would receive special tribute from the groom’s family for a successful upbringing of their daughter. This tribute conferred to the bride unique respect from her in-laws (Chereji & King, 2015).

The Marriage Project in the Ancient Rwandan Society and the Important Role of the Family

In the ancient Rwandan society, marriage was a project that required some preparations. When it was high time for a young boy to get married, his father was in charge of making a home for a prospective household. In general, no boy was to be aged twenty-five or above before his parents had helped or pushed him to get married. The move would come two ways. Either of the parents would judge that their son was ready to get married or the young boy himself could express his wish to the parents that he wanted to have a wife. Once this was agreed upon, the parents of the young boy were responsible for the initiation of their son’s marriage process. This process of marriage would normally start in the son’s family which had to look for a bride who was suitable for the boy. While looking for a good bride for the son, the father often had to do everything through another person known as a “marriage mediator.” The marriage mediator was a man or a woman, socially well known in the community and close to the son’s family. His/her role was to look for a prospective bride for the boy ready to be a groom. The marriage mediator was meant to initiate the discussion with the parents in the family of a girl so as to get their agreement and eventually propose her as a future bride to the young man.

In order to get married in the ancient Rwandan society, the boy’s father had the responsibility to evaluate and judge if it was time for him to make a home for his son. However, the boy himself as well could tell his parents that he wanted to have his own home. (IN, male)

The son’s father was the one in charge of making a home for his son and searching for the prospective bride. The practice was that the father had to get a great friend of his to be the “marriage mediator” and ask him/her to look for a young lady who would fit and suit his son as a wife. The marriage mediator would first search for a family with good reputation and in which there was a young girl, with good behaviors. Then, he/she went to tell the parents of the girl: [“Somebody has asked me to search for a beautiful and humble bride, who has got good upbringing from her parents. The reason why I have come to you is that I know your good habits and the way you live within your home. It seems your daughter looks mature now. I am wondering if you can let her get married if ever if I introduce a good man to her? Would you be willing to give her to him?”]. (Ny, female)

In ancient Rwandan society, of course only the groom and the bride would get together to make a household but this was simply the result of collaboration between their two families of origin. The families would collaborate and make all the arrangements to marry their two young people. The bride was to become a wife because she had to work as a kind of “bridge” linking two families [her own family and the one of her husband]. (IN, female)

The marriage of two young people was a way of strengthening their two families of origin. For the two families to have their two young children get married, there was a condition. Everything depended on the way each of the two families was socially appreciated in terms of the upbringing given to the children and the way the family members were appreciated in terms of behaviors. (RE, female)

In the customary Rwandan society and in some other African societies, for the young people to get married, they would not decide or choose their partners by themselves (Ndoromo & Banyanga, 2019). The parents and the families’ members would play a crucial role in assisting their daughter or son in selecting a marital partner (Adekunle, 2007). In the traditional Rwandan society like in some other African societies, the marriage was seen as a union beyond the two individuals and thus as a permanent union between a man and his wife, as well as of their two respective families (Arugu, 2014). The two respective families of the groom and the bride would play a major role in initiating initiation and preparation of the marriage. The marriage was a way of strengthening two families. To be chosen as a family in-law in African traditional societies, the family background was investigated. The family was not to be characterized by any of the following problems: absence of virginity, existence of insanity, violent behaviors, incurable or contagious diseases, immorality, divorce, and stealing (Chereji & King, 2015).

Verbal Advice to the Young People Prior to Their Marriage Day

When the time for marriage time was getting near, close relatives as well as the parents of the bride and groom used to provide each of the prospective spouses with some verbal advice so as to bring to their attention that marriage is a life that needs to be taken great care of. Some of such pieces of advice would be the provision of verbal instructions which could help the new spouses to cope with challenges in their daily marital life. The young people about to get married would also get some advice about the consideration they ought to have toward their families-in-law. It was made clear that the latter would be their new parents in whom to place their trust. Additionally, they would be reminded of the responsibilities they had to assume. This included avoiding any behavior that could disrupt the reputation of their families of origin in the families-in-law. The gender aspects were considered while giving advice, i.e., the uncles would give advice to the groom while the aunts would do the same to the bride.

Just prior getting married, the girl’s aunts would give her instructions on the way she should behave and on how to cope with problems that may occur in her new home. The young man’s uncles also used to advise the young man on how to build and sustain the home. (RE, female)

The parents used to advise both the groom and the bride as follows: [“Listen to me my son, you are going to marry, leave behind your vices and bad behaviors. If you used to behave this or that way, for example coming back to our home late in the evenings, beware and know very well that this will no longer be the case”]. They would also tell the girl: [“The most important thing among others is taking care of your husband. Please take care of him properly”]. (Ny, female)

When the young girl or the young boy was about to get married, the advice to her or to him from the parents was like: [“Please our child, take care of your spouse, and do not behave in a way that could disrupt our reputation”]. This really was helping and putting the new spouses in a situation of awareness whereby they had to resolve any issue or misunderstanding between them as quickly and as discreetly as possible so that it could not be known by other people, i.e., the public. (RE, male)

Giving advice to the young people before/prior to the marriage ceremony was common among other African customary societies. (Amos, 2013)

Conclusion

Normal spousal life in customary Rwandan society was characterized by observing cultural and behavioral values in a household. There were close collaboration and complementarities between the spouses. The spouses were taught to see each other as equal partners, and this was observed through mutual respect that characterized them, despite the fact of the differences in their biological constitutions in certain aspects making them “male” and “female.” Their constitutional difference was, however, an asset that allowed favorable complementarities of spouses in their households because of some specific gender responsibilities. The children were growing up in a household and such a place was considered to be a learning environment to acquire good behaviors. The daily lifestyle of the spouses in ancient Rwandan society was a way of preparing their children for their own marriage in the future. The parents would play a huge role in the marriage of their children. The perceptions of the participants about the characteristics of marital life in traditional Rwandan society did not show divergent position based on the gender or on the geographical location of the Rwandan elders participants in the research.

The findings from the field research presented in this chapter will be of interest to, but not only limited to, the following people: the participants in the current study, young people about to get married, policymakers, religious authorities, and married people. Even if data from focus group discussions may not be generalized, the cultural context of the current findings allow for an insight into what marital life in the ancient Rwandan society was like. It is true that some experiences can be taken from those earlier times, get built on and adapted for home-grown solutions for healthier marital lifestyles in today’s Rwandan society.